


Eggs, Beavers and Snakes (Charmie Tarot Reading Fic)

by azon



Series: Charmie Tarot Reading Fanfic series [1]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, tarot reading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-23 12:10:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20008090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azon/pseuds/azon
Summary: Elizabeth takes Armie to have their tarot cards read. Their Reader is very good at sensing things...and her poker face is impecable.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [e_mors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_mors/gifts).



> I was toying with this idea and then [Subjectivelyspeaking](https://www.tumblr.com/reblog/186580084930/PnP1DDeY) on Tumblr posts this very prompt, so here we are!
> 
> I wrote this in a hurry, I might elaborate/expand this if encouraged (wink , wink)

\- I think it'd be fun, cmon

Armie hesitates and thanks the heavens he is giving her back to her and she cannot see his face full of horror and hopelessness

\- The kids wanna go see that animal farm Todd told us about

\- That can wait

_Of course it can, everything not-you-related can_

\- Do we even believe in tarot readings? This is the first time I hear you are interested in them

\- I think it'd be fun, c'mon. - Elizabeth repeats herself

\- I don't feel comfortable with a stranger learning our business - He tries

\- I wanna know if Harper's sister is gonna happen - she replies matter-of-factly

_You don't need a tarot reading for that, you need to get me shitfaced or preferably roofied_

\- What if they have cameras and sell the story? - He is really trying

\- More clients for Bird Bakery! Everybody wins

_And by everybody you mean you… your obnoxiousness is costing me jobs_

  
  
⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜  
  


\- Hi, my name is Elizabeth Chambers Hammer, this is my husband, we want a Reading

Armie is mortified by her wife's entitlement and rudeness. He takes a deep breath, smiles as he learnt to do in these situations and addresses the receptionist, a kind- looking 20 something who is trying really hard to hide the first impression his wife has left on him.

\- Hi, Im Armie, we see you guys are quite crowded but we were wondering if you maybe take walk-ins? - He goes for his perfect smile/head-tilt combo and the young guy smiles back, appreciative of his manners.

\- Hi Armie, I'm Matteo, welcome! Actually all these people here are waiting for our Healers; our readers are mostly available…

\- Great, couples Reading...would you agree on a discount for a tag in an insta story?

The sign behind the open-jawed poor fella reads 25 pounds.

⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜

Mrs. Helga Brown is writing the voucher for the couple in front of her -newlyweds looking to know if her job offer is worth spending 12 months apart -when the young man from the reception signs she has new clients. She winks a confirmation and hands the piece of paper to the smiling husband.

\- Tania and Joseph…

\- What? the husband and wife look at her confused

\- Their names…. give it a year, a year and a half… -she winks and waits a moment for the news to sink in

\- OH MY GOD REALLY!?!?!

\- Good luck and if you come back to London with them, come see me and I will bless them, free of charge, of course.

When Elizabeth sees the 2 leaving the room she was told their Reader was in, she gets up immediately and starts walking in its direction. Armie sighs for the nth time and -doesn't know why- looks at Matteo with pleading eyes

\- Ma'am….our readers always take a few minutes between readings to clean the energy of the room , she will come get you when she is ready - _as I told you before…_

⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜

When Helga walks out to greet her new clients, she is bombarded by a feeling that reminds her of her ex-husband, followed by the smell of freshly baked cookies and the warmth of her children's hugs after a long day apart. 

\- Helgs!!!, this is Armie and Elizabeth, they would like a couple's Reading - Matteo smiles at Helga and points at them. Armie gets up, smiles a thanks to him and turns to Helga with his hand out for a handshake

\- Hello Helga, thank you for seeing us without an appointment. - Helga looks at the both of them and fakes a cough

\- Hello, - shaking Armie's hand - no worries, walk-ins are always welcome...couple's Reading you say?

\- Yes, we already told the receptionist we are going together - Elizabeth interrupts and flashes her bright smile. She doesn't actually greets Helga.

\- Yes, Matteo even added us to your weekly praying circle, he said the first 10 couples get a place for free! - Armie says, making sure to wink at Matteo who winks back thanking him for remembering his name

-Yes!... the praying circle...for happy couples! - Helga smiles, somehow it reaches her eyes.

\- That's us!! - Elizabeth smiles even brighter, if possible, grabs Armie's arm and rests her head on his shoulder. She winks several times.

\- Uhmm, Elizabeth, right? Can I...can I take a look at your hand for a second? - Helga extends her hands for her to take, she offers one hand and keeps the other encircled around his biceps. Helga looks intently and smiles - … ooooh darling...I think I have a special message for you - Elizabeth'eyes widen, obviously thinking this is about a new addition to the family.

\- Is it a new baby? We both wanna know! - Elizabeth starts giggling and looks up at Armie whose eyes go between Helga and Matteo as if they were playing the Grand Slam.

\- Oh darling, it is better if i see you alone but dont worry, it is only good news… - She lets go of Elizabeth's hand and looks at Armie fondly. - Armie, do not feel sad, I will see you too, you won't leave empty-handed

\- But… we paid…- Elizabeth starts protesting

\- Oh right! Matteo dear, please make sure to refund them fully. - Helga turns to Matteo , who nods and opens the register.

\- You got it Helgs - He replies to her but keeps his eyes on Armie

\- In cases like this - she starts explaining - when the Masters have a different plan for the Readings, we don't charge you...it is a good thing we only take cash, isn't it? it makes everything easier when this happens - she finishes with a smile

\- But we came as a couple, we want a couples Reading, we wanna know about the future of our family - Elizabeth continues

A couple of people in the small waiting room start moving uncomfortably on their seats, Helga hates this part. Matteo turns up the volume of whatever spiritual music he is playing from the computer. She smiles again.

And Armie knows she is making the whole thing up.

\- And you will!!! you will darling, now please if you follow me? - Helga walks a few steps and turns around to a dumbfounded Elizabeth and amused Armie and Matteo.

\- Shall we?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elizabeth takes Armie to have their tarot cards read. Their Reader is very good at sensing things...and her poker face is impecable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me longer than expected but since I haven't gone to bed it is still Sunday, right? RIGHT?
> 
> I know E's potrayal is not authentic, I am making a caricature of her SM persona for the sake of comedy and because I don't have the brains on a Sunday to research on (her allegedly) Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

It’s been 2 hours, maybe 3 since her wife joined Helga “Helgs” Brown in her consultation room. Armie’s hands are sweating, he was sitting for about 1 hour but now is passing back and forth in front of Matteo’s counter who is occupied checking emails and shooting looks at him. The waiting room is almost empty now.

\- Uhmm Matteo?

\- It’s been only 25 minutes mate - Matteo tries his best to hide his amusement.

Armie doesn’t register the joke and wipes his hands on the side of his jeans. - So…… Helga is….. She is good?… at reading, I mean?

Matteo folds his arms behind his head, smiles bright and smack his lips . He is enjoying every second of this - Helgs is the reason we can have nice things - he winks at Armie and leans over to his counter, looks left and right and motions for Armie to come closer. - Do not worry about your wife, Helgs will tell her what she wants to hear, she won’t suspect a thing. He winks again.

Armie goes back to his chair. 2 more hours pass by. 

He startles when he feels a hand on his shoulder, he jumps and his heart skips a beat. Matteo rejoices.

\- My apologies Armie, I didn’t mean to scare you. Shall we?

It takes Armie a long moment to come back to his senses and when he finally focuses on Helga, she is standing in front of him, hand reaching out. He sees on the corner of his eye Elizabeth sitting next to him but his brain is not capable of processing whatever she is saying. He grabs Helga’s hand, gets up and follows her. In autopilot.

\- So… that was something wasn’t it? - Helga sighs as she closes the door to her consultation room and walks past him on her way to the table.

\- What? - Armie is still trying to figure out if his life is in danger or not

\- Ok… ok, I understand dear…do you want some tea? Earl Gray ok? - Helga reaches across the table that separates them and taps his hand, turns around and pours him a cup before he gets to answer her question as if she knew exactly how he likes it. She puts the infusion in front of him on and smiles again

_ Does this woman ever not smile? _

\- Now.. careful. It is hot

Armie grabs the cup and blows a bit before trying it. It is comforting and makes him feel at home immediately

\- Bergamot - Helga says as she sips from her own cup - the answer to all your questions.

_ I swear to God if she smiles one more time… _

_ \- . _ So… Matteo didn’t annoy you...much? right? 

\- He...he was alright

_ Of course she is smiling _

\- Ok, Matteo can only keep your wife occupied for so long. Let’s get to business. - Helga sips her tea for a last time and cracks her back and neck - _ shouldn’t old ladies avoid to do that? sounds dangerous, literally -  _ she closes her eyes and extends her hands; he offers his, hoping that is what she expects, he has no idea what the hell is going on. A few moments pass by and she lets go of his hands and takes a deck of tarot cards sitting on the corner of the table, she starts shuffling them and whispering things - You know why I did what I did, right? - Helga looks up and Armie is not worried anymore - Why I bullshitted your wife the way I did and got you separate consultations - It is not a question, but Armie thinks it is and opens his mouth to attempt to answer - Now, my dear - she interrupts - we were waiting for you. Matteo even came on his day off. 

Helga winks, he would have prefered her to smile. 

⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜

Uhmm Ma’am, we do not allow social media in our establishment? This is a place for contemplation and high positive energy…Matteo’s voice is firm but he balances it with a smile. Elizabeth looks away from her phone for a second and looks at him offended - But I can get you more customers! this light is just perfect. It’d be silly of you not to take this opportunity - she keeps playing with her hair looking straight to her camera until she seems satisfied - what is the name of this street? nevermind, I got it - she starts typing on her phone and Matteo is about to speak again when a door opens. A very giggly Armie and Helga start walking to them, she has her hands around his bicep as they walk next to each other and his hands are clasping hers. 

\- Elizabeth! Dear, here is your husband back… in one happy piece - Elizabeth smiles and tilts her head - Thank you Helga! we are off to celebrate now…. right? - She looks at Armie whose giggles she assumes mean he got the same wonderful news she did.

Armie giggles all the way to the restaurant where they meet their children for lunch and cannot contain his joy having trouble chewing his food. For the first time in a very long time, he doesn't mind the phone on his face and gladly poses pressing his face against her wife's.

Elizabeth’s fans on instagram compliment the happy couple. The most liked comment reads: To all those who like to tell Elizabeth his husband doesn’t love her...HE IS BEAMING!!! #couplesgoals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember the prompt, that's all I'm saying...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, last chapter. Had to cut it in two as the vibe is completely different in this one but hey! the clicking didn't take that long, did it?
> 
> Once again Elizabeth's potrayal is cartoonish and only for the funsies; I won't do research on NPD, that shit's scary.
> 
> Empaths definition is being fictionalized (Adalina is an empath, by the way) they do not have superpowers (although it seems like Adalina sometimes does haha!)
> 
> Adalina does't make an appeareance, sorry... maybe if I choose to continue this.
> 
> Also, writing a one-shot /no-smut to the first person who guesses and elaborates on the meaning of the title. Hit me in the comments! (I know, I just wanna write, easiest answer in the fandom)
> 
> Enjoy!

Elizabeth is fixing Harper’s bow with one hand and dialing her phone with the other - I told you I was gonna get the show, Ryan Seacrest would be a fool if he didn’t take me

_ There is a lot of exposure dear, I see people following you...cameras maybe? ooooh Elizabeth, are you some kind of Hollywood star? Tell me, I’ll keep the secret. _

\- What show momma? you will be an actress like daddy?

_ There will be a lot of people talking about your family, people wanted to see you and talk to you...you will rejoice on the attention _

  
  


\- Armie? Are you even listening to me? 

_ I didn’t lie per se, I was just vague about the circumstances of the events I was seeing in the cards… now, in your case I won’t be… you know all about it anyway. You just need confirmation...and a little push...More tea? _

⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜

Later that day, while the kids nap and Elizabeth is out shopping, Armie sits on the bow window and glazes over, he made sure to get the brand name of Helga’s tea and is now sipping his second cup as he reminisces his crazy morning.

_ It is call an “Empath” we feel what others are experiencing, sometimes we even hear it; we get messages… Matteo came to me about a month ago and told me about you. He saw you in a train, you were alone and rather sad...he was 1 hour late because he followed you when you got off and only stopped when you met...Matteo is very sensitive, more than your average empath...her energy drains him... _

He cannot stop smiling, his cheeks hurt and his chest burn from his heavy breathing. He just cannot contain himself.

_ This one here? this is you...and this one...this one is him. Go ahead, beam!!! _

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, his emotions all over the place

_ He is younger now, but it is only circumstantial, you met him a couple of years ago...sparks the first time you lay eyes on each other, am I right? darling, it’s getting hot in here! _

Armie remembers that first meeting, how fidgety he was and how he couldn’t wait for Timmy to finish his piano lesson. back then he thought it was because of his friendly nature and because Luca had simply sold the boy to him, telling him about how great the kid was and how he knew they were gonna click and the movie was gonna be 10 times better if they became friends in real life. Now he wonders if he just knew.

_ You had an instant connection, it was just natural for you to fall for each other… _

_ Emotional intimacy and physical one...but your wife was ok with it? hmmm _

_ Dear Lord!!! you guys won an Oscar!!!!! _

_ Tea? _

How could he have been such a fool? How come he didn't connect the dots before? Yes, they flirted on set, and yes, they got carried away during late night rehearsals, and yes, they were definitely more than friends but twin flames? storge love? 

_ This time you met him as your friend but you have been each other’s parents and children, enemies and allies, brothers and sisters; but over all, in an spiritual cosmic level… you have always been lovers _

When the movie was wrapped and it was time to go back to his life, he couldn’t. A piece of him belonged now to Timmy and even though hey tried to give it back many times he never accepted it. He played it cool and everybody was none the wiser. Best friends hang out and stay at each other’s places, best friends facetime and tell each other about their day, best friends...best friends…

_ You were ready to make the first move, but something happened and you chickened out...or should I say someone… _

_ Armie, I think you already know how I - literally - feel about your wife but I swear I’m being objective here… _

_ You’ve been told your entire life you are not enough… _

_ You married your mother, basically...sorry. It’s here...see? I’m not making this up darling _

_ You, him and a third man...he is the matchmaker...the one with the long beard ...see how the cards seem to be telling a story?  _

What would his life be without Luca? He not only introduced him to Timmy, he opened up his eyes. Love is not a set of rules and proper behavior, love is not picture perfect, love is not societal conventions, love is not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

_ Love is feeling so comfortable and so safe you expose everything to them and they expose everything back... _

He can be himself with Timmy, he can cry and laugh, he can flip as many fingers as he wants, he can get stoned and dance without music, he can just be and Timmy can be too.

_ You were longing to spend time with him but you had to play husband and you hurt him… _

_ He forgives you every time, and he will continue doing so but don’t take him for granted, happy ending is not guaranteed _

_ But he will wait for you...he always has...cosmically speaking _

Timmy is love, he cannot risk losing him.

_ And here she is...Armie darling, I’m sorry...that’s you in the corner...that tiny cage? She takes up the whole card...and this one, these are your children...I know, I know… _

How did he let this get so far? There is no love in his household and his children are starting to notice. He cannot make up excuses for her behavior anymore. There is a line that should never be crossed and she has crossed it so many times he is not sure there is a line anymore.

_ I promise you, I swear on my mother’s grave, it does get better. It does get better and all the fear of rejection and losing your career is only in your head...this is bigger than the two of you, bigger than your love, bigger than love itself… Armie, what you have was crafted by the Higher Beings, it is spiritual and cosmic… _

_ What you have is what love is made of. _

He can hear the door opening, Elizabeth will enter the living room at any moment, carrying bags and speaking loudly, all excited about her future. He will engage and follow her game. Just a little longer. His plan is already in motion.

\- And she told me I will have my tv show! She mentioned a big contract and tons of money! she said the number 10!! 10 years can you believe it!?!? - Armie hears her moving to the kitchen completely missing him, or maybe ignoring him, too focused on her so much deserved upcoming fame. -She said articles will be written on me and what I do!! I don’t know how I will juggle with the baby because she said she only sees me but I will figure it out… maybe only immediate family appears on the Readings and Armie will be away filming or I will have to get new nannies and they don’t show in the cards…

Armie finishes his tea and rests his head on the wall. He voice more and more distant with time. He smiles and took a card from his pocket. He touched it delicately and kissed it before putting it back and grabbing his phone.

  
  
⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜  
  


Helga extends her hand, Matteo smiles at her and hands her the clipboard. It reads "Couples Praying Circle" at the top. Matteo is giggling and it is contagious.

She takes a pen from the counter, scratches Elizabeth's name and writes "Timmy" instead.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that last part is the only reason I didn't continue rambling (ok, I did ramble, this was supposed to be a one-shot); I wrote it at the beginning of my toying with this idea. I hope this little thing I wrote lived up to (at least somewhat) your expections. 
> 
> You can see the card Armie kept style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;">[here](http://www.astrology.com/images-US/tarot/noveau/6-lovers.jpg)  
> Ps. I ultimately decided to leave E's Reading out, only mentioning it in passing as it would have drawn the story unnecessarily; after all this is Charmie.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please comment!


End file.
